Why Blaming Doesn’t Work

When we are upset because something is not going the way we want we often look to blame someone or something (including ourselves).   Placing blame allows us to escape from the pain and discomfort of the situation and puts our attention and directs our energy elsewhere.  It is a great escape mechanism, or at least it seems that way. But in reality, blaming someone else for the situation is futile … [Read more...]

Enemy – NOT ME

I readily admit conjuring up an enemy image is far easier than creating a connection with someone, especially when I have zero attraction to that person or if I am struggling to overcome an enemy image based on our currently raw conflicts and disagreements. So how might one do this? The root meaning of the word enemy is “not friendly”. “En” which is derived from “in” means not. So I like to … [Read more...]

Enemy Images – The Wall of Separation

I first learned the term “enemy image” in my NVC trainings from Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of Nonviolent Communication.  I have heard it used many times by NVC trainers and others since.  I hold an enemy image as any judgment I hold about others or myself that creates separation or distance between us. This can occur when I hold myself as better than OR lesser than another.  Rather than … [Read more...]

Letting Go – The Reality of Divorce . . . and Life

Perhaps it will seem strange at first for me to say this, but putting your child’s needs before your own after divorce includes letting go. When I talk about letting go, I’m not referring to letting go of the love and bond you have with your child or letting go of the responsibilities you have to your children, etc. What I’m referring to are the helpful ways to let go while your child is with … [Read more...]

That Magical Moment – The First Contact With Your Child

When you first connect with your child, whether that first moment is when your child is in utero, upon his/her birth, or when you first see or hold your child, there is really no other moment in the world like it.  Words are inadequate to describe the feelings of awe and wonder, of love and adoration, of blessings and miracles.  Parents talk about how they never knew their heart could love another … [Read more...]

Empathy – What’s All the Fuss About?!

When I spoke previously about self-empathy, I was speaking about empathy we provide to ourselves. As I mentioned in that blog, until you can give yourself empathy, it is really difficult to provide empathy to someone else, especially your Ex. In fact, trying to provide empathy to your Ex when you are triggered yourself is not advised! Empathy for others is no different from when we have empathy … [Read more...]

Are Your Fears and Anxieties Getting the Best of You? Pt. 2

Tired of Feeling Powerless? The times when your fear and anxiety is front and center, you are usually defensive and reactive.  You find it nearly impossible to hear the other person’s perspective let alone make the best decisions.  Think of it this way, imagine being curled up in a little ball and thinking that things that are really precious to you are going to be taken away – your children, … [Read more...]

Are Your Fears and Anxieties Getting the Best of You?

When your fears and anxieties get the best of you and you are unable to control them, they will control you, leaving you in tatters and wondering what the heck happened.  Learning how to manage your fears and anxieties gives you back your sense of power and control, allowing you to choose how to interact rather than simply react. As you may have noticed thus far, I focus a lot on the value of … [Read more...]

Tennis Lessons and Parenting with Your Ex

Down the long and winding road of divorce and co-parenting with your ex, I found any number of opportunities to judge myself and beat myself up. It happens, for sure, but I would like to suggest another, more healthy option – self-compassion. When we beat ourselves, we are focusing on what we did that did not work rather than on what we can do differently. When we say, “I have to stop doing x, y, … [Read more...]

Self-Compassion and Self-Empathy ~ It Takes Two to Tango!

Another key challenge parents face in the arduous journey of parenting with your Ex is to embrace both self-compassion and self-empathy.  While they are similar, they are also distinctly different. I believe that self-compassion is the ability to love oneself and accept one’s shortcomings without judgment; recognizing yourself as human and that you are not perfect. You are going to make mis-takes, … [Read more...]