There is really no other moment in the world like that first moment you connect with your child - whether in utero, upon his/her birth, or when you first see or hold your child. Words are inadequate to describe the feelings of awe and wonder, of love and adoration, of blessings and miracles. Parents talk about how they never knew their heart could love another so fully. When each of my children … [Read more...]

From my work with divorced and divorcing parents with children, I have developed a theory I call the Umbilical Cord Theory. It is based on my repeated observation of how parents respond to grieving a divorce. In an intact family, our kids live with us, generally, for 18 years. During those years, we have an opportunity to nurture them and support them so that when they move on in their lives, we … [Read more...]

If you are divorced with children and use your child to relay messages to your former, you put your child in the middle of your arguments, disagreements and negotiations. This is hard for anyone, but for a child it is particularly agonizing. This often happens when it is last minute information that needs to be conveyed while parents and children are rushed, overwhelmed and already … [Read more...]

It’s so easy to turn your former lover into your enemy, especially in a divorce with kids. You need to end the madness of your marriage and the sometimes the only way to do this is to make him/her into your enemy. After all, you’re in a war, right? S/he lacked the ability or willingness to change and so you believe you had no other choice but to assess blame. But are there any real winners in this … [Read more...]

Long after the divorce, many couples remain emotionally entangled and when children are involved, co-parenting can be exasperating. Maybe your hot button issues are still active and your former knows exactly where to push to get you to react, or vice versa. Ouch! Trying to convince the other person about what is wrong with them, blaming or criticizing them is a big mistake. Why? You give away your … [Read more...]

Have you ever asked yourself if old emotional hurts are still what drives your interactions with your Ex? And if you are in the middle of or had a divorce with kids, you may find that your emotional reactivity with your Ex carries over to the way you respond to your children. I doubt that you want your children to think it is not safe to speak openly with you but that can easily happen when you … [Read more...]

I know how easy it is to get exhausted with the demands of keeping up with the ongoing needs of your children, especially as a divorced parent. It is hard to remember to take care of yourself, always trying to take care of everyone else first.  However when you forget to take care of yourself, you end up undermining your own resilience and capacity to be present with your children.  Being … [Read more...]

I see grief as a process of moving through the depth of one’s distress and sorrow so you can begin to heal. Getting a divorce, whether you want it or not, is agonizing and traumatic. You are grieving many things – loss of your primary intimate relationship, loss of daily contact with your children, loss of some level of financial security, and loss of your future as you envisioned and knew it. … [Read more...]

When getting divorced, it’s so easy to turn everything into a battle by always trying to prove your point and making the other person look bad. In a divorce with children, kids are often stuck in the middle. Rather than going down a path of divorce and co-parenting paved with landmines, constant battles and damaged children and parents, you can choose a path lined with compassion, understanding, … [Read more...]

Divorce is an incredibly difficult journey – no bones about it; you may be wracked with grief, stress, guilt and fear. Trying to navigate your divorce and co-parenting all alone is like rock climbing without having someone on the other end of your rope to catch you if you fall. Most definitely NOT advisable! When we are scared and lonely, we tend to turn to our loved ones and friends for support. … [Read more...]