Parenting With Your Ex

What’s Right About This?

parenting — Wed, 16 May 2012 17:31:14 +0000

You know how sometimes things happen in life and you feel like they are happening to you and you are convinced you have absolutely no power to make things change? And when you experience that you feel powerless, hopeless, frustrated and perhaps enraged?

When I get to that place, I like to ask myself one very powerful question ~ WHAT IS RIGHT ABOUT THIS?

I ask that question because when I do, I realize that things are not happening “TO” me but are there as an opportunity for my growth and healing. I may not always know what that is at the time, but I know it is there to provide learning and opportunity for me.

For example, the other day I was preparing for a teleclass on parenting after divorce (this story is somewhat ironic, don’t you think?!) and I received an abrasive, harsh and non-respectful email from my former spouse. For a short while I was in a bit of a tailspin – why does he have to respond to me this way?; life doesn’t have to be this hard. And then I started to ask, What is RIGHT about this? What is the learning in this for me?

At the time I had no idea but I just opened myself to that possibility. Then after the teleclass, there was another interaction that was also harsh and abrasive and this time I quickly asked myself, “What is RIGHT about this?” What is it I need to learn here?

And, what I learned is that when I stand in my power and truth and speak that truth – without judgment, criticism and blame of the other person but with a focus on my experience and my needs – I find the answer.

In this instance, I told my former that I am always happy to discuss things with him but I will not do so unless and until I am spoken to in a way that is respectful for me. I came to the decision that if I receive an email from him that is harsh or aggressive, (I want to be clear, he can express his truth and it doesn’t have to be “nice” but I won’t engage if it is disrespectful – which to me looks like swearing at me, accusing me or blaming me) I will simply send it back with a note that says: “I am happy to discuss this with you when you can do so in a way that is respectful to me.”

So the learning and gift in the pain is that I can continue to stand in my power and truth in a way that is in alignment with my values and is in integrity for me and that gets my needs met. AND, the other really cool thing is that the next day, my former spouse sent me a text and an email in which he apologized for the way he spoke to me on the phone and for the tone of his email, which he himself described as harsh. Providing another lesson: sometimes change happen in the most unlikely places.

I invite you to hold your heart open for the possibility of transformation because the universe might just be saying YES (even when you think it’s saying no)!

As always, please post your comments and thoughts below.

In service and support ~

Cat J. Zavis is an Attorney, Mediator, Child Advocate and Coach for Parents co-parenting their children after divorce. As a divorced mother of 2, she deeply understands the challenges, trauma and opportunities divorce provides. She has been practicing Nonviolent Communication^SM, Mediation and Collaborative Law for 7 years. She conducts workshops and trainings in Nonviolent Communication^SM for parents, lawyers, teachers, students, spiritual centers and professionals. In 2009, she was awarded a Peace Builder Award for her business. Her combination of personal experience and professional expertise give Cat a unique perspective and ability to help co parents learn to communicate effectively and powerfully to transform their relationships and interactions with their former after divorce so they and their children can thrive.

Divorce and Children: Learning to Let Go

parenting — Sat, 25 Feb 2012 00:43:12 +0000

Building Block #5

Choice/Autonomy

One of the greatest challenges in divorce is learning to let go and letting the other parent make decisions that affect your children’s lives without being involved in those decision. Yet, letting go and giving the other parent the opportunity to make decisions without your involvement is critical to creating a healthy post-divorce relationship with your former spouse or partner.

To help you and your former spouse navigate decision-making with as much ease as possible I have a few suggestions that have proven helpful.

1. Determine which issues you absolutely want to decide together. This usually includes things such as educational decisions, non-emergency health care decisions, etc.

2. Determine which issues you want to talk about together but each of you decides independently when the children are with you. This may include things such as whether a child stays home from school.

3. Determine which issues you each decide and don’t need to talk with each other about. This may include things such as which foods your children eat or when your children go to bed.

4. If it really doesn’t matter to you, let it go. If one parent really cares about something, such as health care providers, and the other parent really does not care, don’t fight about it. Choose your battles wisely.

5. Ask yourself, why am I fighting about this; what is so important to me about this? Be honest with yourself. Are you fighting because you are angry about something else with your former? If so, talk about that.

6. Grieve. Letting go of decisions that affect your children’s lives is extremely difficult at anytime in a child’s life. Allow yourself to really grieve and mourn this loss. You yearn to play a meaningful role in your child’s life and to be involved in decisions from the mundane to the ones that really matter. And in divorce, you lose some of this influence and power, often when a child is very young. Be gentle with yourself AND with your former spouse. This is not easy.

In service and support ~

Cat J. Zavis is an Attorney, Mediator and Coach for Parents co-parenting their children after divorce. As a divorced mother of 2, she deeply understands the challenges, trauma and opportunities divorce provides. She has been practicing Nonviolent Communication^SM, Mediation and Collaborative Law for 7 years. She conducts workshops and trainings in Nonviolent Communication^SM for parents, lawyers, teachers, students, spiritual centers and professionals. In 2009, she was awarded a Peace Builder Award for her business. Her combination of personal experience and professional expertise give Cat a unique perspective and ability to help co parents learn to communicate effectively and powerfully to transform their relationships and interactions with their former after divorce so they and their children can thrive.

Divorced and Children ~ Wanna Go Shopping . . .

parenting — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 21:16:38 +0000

This Too Shall Pass!

The other day I wanted to go shopping. Now you have to understand I HATE shopping. Seriously, I really hate shopping.

You may wonder why I would want to go shopping. Well, I wondered the same thing and began to explore where that desire was coming from. So, as I was walking my dog alone feeling a desire to go shopping I let myself sink into my body and the feeling of desire and just be present with that.

What I discovered surprised me. I wanted to go shopping because I felt lonely and empty and wanted to fill-up that void. I have to say that a “yuck” feeling overcame me – I want to go shopping to fill a void. Ugh. Rather than go further down that self-judgmental path or take action and go shopping, I let myself be present with those feelings.

Let me tell you, it was not easy. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. But instead, I dug deeper and became alive to me. I asked myself, what I was wanting rather than what was missing in my life. When I searched there, I became aware of my desire for connection and meaning and stayed present with that.

I “did” nothing. And amazingly, the desire to shop, the feelings of loneliness and emptiness, the void, all passed and I became present to my connection and fun with my dog, the beautiful trail I was walking on, the awesome clouds and sky and found meaning once again in the present moment.

As always, I love to hear your thoughts and comment. Please post them below.

In service ~

photo credit: sippakorn

Children and Divorce: The Roles of Parents

parenting — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 02:40:23 +0000

Building Block #4: Meaning and Respect

One of the most challenging issues to face in divorce is that your time with your child will inevitably change. You will not kiss your child goodnight nor read a bedtime story to your child every night. For parents, this is unimaginable.

To be able to navigate this treacherous terrain, it is helpful for parents to be able acknowledge the roles each parent has played in the family and the value and meaning of those roles both during the marriage and after divorce.

I find that parents are so afraid of losing time with their child they tend to enhance and elaborate on the other parent’s faults in ways they did not do during the marriage.

To help parents, I like to acknowledge (Building Block #3) how heart-wrenching this situation is and help them connect (Building Block #1) with each other around this loss and then from that place explore with them how they can best support each other’s roles in their child’s life so they BOTH can have a meaningful connection and relationship with their child. This allows the parents to shift from criticizing each other out of fear that each will lose their connection with their child to respecting each other for their differences.

To do this, it is effective to support parents to connect with their goal of doing what is best for their child, even when doing so is painful for them.

“Don’t surrender your loneliness so quickly. Let it cut more deep. Let it ferment and season you as few human or even divine ingredients can. . .” ~ Hafiz

In service ~

Cat J. Zavis is an Attorney, Mediator and Coach for Divorced and Divorcing Parents. As a divorced mother of 2, she deeply understands the challenges, trauma and opportunities divorce provides. She has been practicing Nonviolent Communication, Mediation and Collaborative Law for 7 years. She has conducted workshops and trainings in Nonviolent Communication for hundreds of parents, lawyers, teachers, students, spiritual centers and professionals. In 2009, she was awarded a Peace Builder Award for her business. She has taught at universities in Western Washington on diverse topics such as Women and the Law, Constitutional Law, and Communication. Her combination of personal experience and professional expertise give Cat a unique perspective and ability to help clients learn to communicate effectively and powerfully to transform their relationships and interactions with their former partner or spouse so they and their children can thrive.

photo credit: Ambro

Co Parenting – Divorce and Kids: The Power of Appreciations

parenting — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 22:53:33 +0000

Building Block #3 – Appreciation and Acknowledgment

In my previous blogs I spoke about the importance of establishing Connection and Listening when navigating life with your former after divorce.

If you create a quality of connection at the beginning of a conversation and really listen to the other person’s concerns, it will increase the likelihood that you will listen to and hear each other.

The 3rd Building Block is to express appreciation and acknowledgment. By appreciation and acknowledgment, I mean being seen and appreciated for the gifts we bring to other people and the world.

OK, so this can be hard, right? Sometimes you are so mad at your former that you cannot find ANYTHING you appreciate about him and cannot acknowledge anything good about her.

Well, if you want to have a successful interaction – dig deep and find something. I KNOW it’s there – you were in a relationship with them after all. At one point you loved her/him a lot. What is it that attracted you to your former? What gifts does s/he bring to your child, the world, friends, even you?

Are you grateful that he is willing to talk with you about your child? Do you appreciate that she spent a lot of her time and energy raising the kids while you were focusing on your career? Can you acknowledge his commitment to his children?

I know this can be hard. I want to encourage you to give it a try because if you are able to express appreciation, it is more likely that you will get your needs met in your conversations.

One way to start is to ask yourself what you appreciate about YOURSELF!! What gifts do you bring to the world? What gifts does your former spouse bring to the world? What gifts do and did your former bring to your family?

In service ~

Co Parenting: Need a Megaphone to Be Heard?

parenting — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 23:41:21 +0000

Building Block #2 – LISTENING

I touched briefly on the importance of LISTENING in my last blog on Building Block #1 – Connection. I want to elaborate on it here.

When I talk about listening, I mean REALLY listening. Often when we listen, we hear one thing the person says and then we plan our response. It is a more of a debate than a genuine conversation and neither person feels heard nor understood.

In fact, often we don’t even listen at all. We know what the topic of the conversation is and focus on what we want to say rather than hear what the other person is saying. We want to convince the other side of our position and get her to agree.

The problem with this approach is that when we are more focused on talking than on listening, no one is heard. When we feel heard, we are more likely to hear the other person.

Here are 3 things you can do to improve your listening so that you are heard!

1. Presence

Try to quiet your mind and focus your attention on what the other person is saying. Maintain eye contact and keep your heart and mind open and receptive. To help you do this, breathe deeply.

photo by: imagery majestic

2. Reflection

Reflect what you hear the other person say – both the emotional tone and the facts they are relaying. You want the other person to have a sense of being “gotten” or understood. Check with the other person to make sure you are hearing him correctly.

For example, “It sounds like you are angry because our son has missed school 3 times this week. Am I hearing you correctly?”

3. Reframe

Try to reframe any judgments or criticisms into what is so important to this person that he is judging, criticizing or blaming you.

For example, “Are you worried about our son’s health and academics?”

Give these a try and PLEASE let me know how it goes.

In Service ~

The Building Blocks of Relationships

parenting — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 21:57:01 +0000

I believe there are 5 essential qualities (or building blocks) that need to be present to successfully navigate conflict and disagreements. Without these five qualities, it is extremely difficult to let down one’s defenses in a conflict, see your common goals and work together to tackle the problem.

Building Block #1 ~ CONNECTION

Connection is so difficult to achieve, especially when we are in conflict or disagreement with someone else.

When I talk about connection, I am referring to a sense of emotional connection – an ability to relate to one another from our heart. It is important to create quality of connection because connection builds a sense of trust and safety.

This quality of connection is often shattered in and through divorce, yet it is critical to rebuild if you are to have a successful co-parenting relationship. Not to mention that learning how to rebuild connection after it is broken in any relationship is a great life skill that you will carry on to future relationships.

There are many ways to rebuild connection when it is broken. It is important to focus on both creating a connection in the moment AND rebuilding connection over time.

Here are 5 things you can to do create connection in the moment and to rebuild it over time.

1. Be honest in your conversations and actions.

2. Begin conversations by focusing on people and experiences that are important to both of you (e.g., your children, memories, things you both enjoy).

3. Take responsibility for your part in your interactions (both recent and past).

4. Really listen – not to the words that are being spoken but the meaning behind the words.

5. Ask the other person what they need to have a sense of connection and trust.

When connection and trust are broken, it takes time to rebuild it. You build a house from the bottom up – beginning with the foundation. To help rebuild connection with your former (or anyone else), you also need to start at the very foundation.

Ask yourself what YOU can do to begin to contribute to the building blocks of a healthy post-divorce relationship.

In service ~

building blocks photo by renjith krishnan

How Do You Handle A Curve Ball?

parenting — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 17:07:59 +0000

As a mediator, collaborative lawyer and conflict resolution coach, I feel sad, disappointed and confused when I struggle to be able to transform conflicts in my personal life into connection and understanding. I value embodying the practices in my daily life that I teach and share with others in my work. Yet, I’m aware that differences are inevitable and that there is struggle in life. I am not perfect and while my Virgo tendency is to expect perfection, I constantly work to find peace in my imperfections.

I once read that a Japanese baseball player, of the Babe Ruth stature, said that when he gets up to bat he sees the pitcher as his partner – serving up an opportunity for him to hit a home run every time. So I’ve been trying to embody this in my life.

As baseball players and teenagers, my sons often throw me curve balls. Sometimes I strike out and sometimes I hit a home run. Most often, it is somewhere in between! But now, instead of dreading these interactions, they have a light and playful energy to them. Can I hit home run? How about a triple? I laugh when I strike out and feel grateful when I don’t! I’m improving – sometimes slowly other days more quickly. Just like the real game of baseball, each interaction is a practice and opportunity for growth and learning.

When your former spouse/partner, your child, spouse/partner, colleague, or parent throws you a curve ball, how do you respond? Can you use those moments of dis-ease and dis-comfort in your life as invitations to deepen your growth and learning? Can you find a lightness and playfulness to those moments so you can find peace in the face of conflict?

The choice (although not always easy) is YOURS!

As always, I welcome your feedback and thoughts. Please share a comment below.

In support and service ~

Using Candy to Demonstrate a Point!!

parenting — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 03:41:45 +0000

For my blog today, I want to share with you a video of me talking about my work and how I integrate Nonviolent Communication into my work. (This is Part 1. You can go to youtube to watch Part 2 and I will be posting it here as well at a later date.)

The video explains the process I rely on in my work as a Collaborative Attorney, Mediator and Coach. In case you are wondering, no, the candy was not put there as a prop for me, it was just there and I used it as an opportunity for demonstrating a point!

If you are interested in learning this approach so you can apply it yourself in your life or work, please go to www.parentingwithyourex.com/power to register for my upcoming Live Workshop in Bellingham, WA.

If you are unable to attend in Bellingham but are interested in participating either in a live workshop or teleseminar, please send me a note at clientcare@parentingwithyourex.com and let me know. I’d love to support you.

Thanks and, as always, looking forward to hearing your feedback. Please post comments below.

In support and service ~

It’s All a Matter of Perspective . . .

parenting — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 02:21:08 +0000

WHAT do you see in this picture? A young woman, an old woman, nothing . . .?

Depending on how you look at this photo, you may see an old woman, a young woman or maybe you can’t make out either. Perhaps it is easy for you to go back and forth between the two of them and when you do that you realize how your perspective can change simply depending on where you are standing, the angle at which you look at the picture, whether you are looking with both eyes open or only one eye, etc. Do you have glasses or contacts on?

When you look at this picture with someone else and she sees one thing and you see another, do you become curious and inquisitive? Do you turn the picture around or tilt your head differently? Do you stand where he is standing and try to see it from his perspective so you can see what he is seeing? Maybe you ask to borrow her glasses so you can see it from her perspective.

Or do you begin to argue that you are right and he is wrong?

When we look at this picture, we can begin to realize that what we see and how we view something has much more to do with a matter of perspective than it does with what is really there or not there.

Here’s my invitation, when you and your former are disagreeing over who is right and who is wrong, turn the picture around, view it from the other person’s perspective, become CURIOUS, ask questions about how she sees it that way.

Can you see what he sees?

When you can do this, you can begin to uncover the commonalities and shared visions you have (i.e., dark places and light places, curves and straight lines) and you can then build agreements from there.

As always, I LOVE your comments, PLEASE share your thoughts below.

In service ~