Today (January 18, 2012) we are snowed in.  It is 18 degrees out (even colder with the wind chill factor) and there are 8 inches of snow out my front door.  I did manage to bundle up (with motivation from my 13 year old!) and take my dog for an hour and a half walk.  It was beautiful. (Here’s a photo I took while on my walk.)

Earlier in the day I made myself a yummy brunch of home potatoes and eggs.  And as I was cooking and enjoying some peace and quiet, I was thinking about my work and supporting parents who are co-parenting with their former spouse and began to wonder what my morning of cooking breakfast could possibly have to do with that.

And then I realized it – EVERYTHING and NOTHING. 

WHY?  Because when I am really present in the moment of what I am doing, whether it’s cooking myself a tasty meal, walking my dog, playing with my sons, visiting with a friend, or reading a good book that is all I am focused on and thinking about.  My energy is focused on those things and not on some interaction I may have had earlier with my former husband or a conversation we will have later. 

When I am really present with whatever is right in front of me the other stuff is not there.

I realize this is not easy to do.  So here is a suggestion to help you:

When you find your mind going on and on about your former, bring it back to your breath or what you are doing in the moment – even if it is just sitting somewhere – and focus your attention there. 

This gets easier over time and with practice.

Give it a try and let me know what you think please.  I love to hear your feedback.

In support ~

Cat J. Zavis is an Attorney, Mediator and Coach for Divorced and Divorcing Parents.  As a divorced mother of 2, she deeply understands the challenges, trauma and opportunities divorce provides. She has been practicing Nonviolent Communication, Mediation and Collaborative Law for 7 years. She has conducted workshops and trainings in Nonviolent Communication for hundreds of parents, lawyers, teachers, students, spiritual centers and professionals. In 2009, she was awarded a Peace Builder Award for her business. She has taught at universities in Western Washington on diverse topics such as Women and the Law, Constitutional Law, and Communication. Her combination of personal experience and professional expertise give Cat a unique perspective and ability to help clients learn to communicate effectively and powerfully to transform their relationships and interactions with their former partner or spouse so they and their children can thrive.

I often have clients argue about the amount of time their child will spend in each parent’s home. Instead of fighting over hours and days, I try to get them to focus on what type of relationship they want with their child. When they do this, they begin to talk about wanting to help their child with school work, to be involved in their extracurricular activities, to do what we all know parents do – BE A PARENT.

I know it is difficult to have your child spend time away from you. Whether you were the full-time stay-at-home parent or work outside of the home, this is the usually the hardest transition for everyone – parents and child.

You miss waking up in the morning with your child, putting your child to bed, being there when she comes home from school, and cuddling up with a good book. This is a loss you all share. If you are able to connect with your shared experience, you will find ways to support each other so you can both continue to play a meaningful and engaged role in your child’s life.

To help you do this, you can focus on the quality of time you have with your child, rather than getting stuck in counting days and hours.  Over the course of your child’s lifetime, memories are made by moments, interactions, and experiences, and not by hours or days.  It is more important to children to be truly present and involved in their lives in a meaningful way than to be there for an extra hour or two.

I hope you and your former are able to be gracious and spacious in these situations and do the best you can to support both of your involvement in your child’s life because there is nothing kids want more than engaged, loving, supportive parents. Having that will help ensure that they not only survive your divorce but thrive.

Here are some examples of how to be more engaged and present with your child, even when they are at the other parent’s house.

1. Participate in your child’s events and activities
2. Volunteer at your child’s school
3. Join the PTA
4. Talk to your child daily and ask about his/her day (not about how things are at the other parent’s house!)
5. Listen to your child rather than talking at your child

As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts, please share them below!

In service and support ~

Cat J. Zavis is an Attorney, Mediator and Coach for Divorced and Divorcing Parents.  As a divorced mother of 2, she deeply understands the challenges, trauma and opportunities divorce provides. She has been practicing Nonviolent Communication, Mediation and Collaborative Law for 7 years. She has conducted workshops and trainings in Nonviolent Communication for hundreds of parents, lawyers, teachers, students, spiritual centers and professionals. In 2009, she was awarded a Peace Builder Award for her business. She has taught at universities in Western Washington on diverse topics such as Women and the Law, Constitutional Law, and Communication. Her combination of personal experience and professional expertise give Cat a unique perspective and ability to help clients learn to communicate effectively and powerfully to transform their relationships and interactions with their former partner or spouse so they and their children can thrive.

I have had many conversations with various people about what to call the other parent of your child(ren).  One friend of mine, Monica McGuire (of Family Culture Coach), has spoken of the term “wusband” and “past wife experience”!  

The term “ex” seems rather harsh (I realize that’s the name of my business, but you gotta admit, it gets your attention!) as if you are “x”ing him/her out of your life   Yes, you may want to, yet you can’t.  And really, xing your former spouse or partner out of your life is (in the vast majority of families) not best for your kids.

Calling your former spouse/partner “ex” sends a strong message to your children that connotes negativity, anger and resentment.  Try this out.  Say the term my ex-husband or ex-wife or ex-partner.  Look in the mirror when you do it.  What is your facial expression?  Is it Open?  Receptive? Neutral?  Or is it filled with bitterness, hurt, or anger?  

Now try saying “my former [husband, wife, partner]”.  What is your facial expression now?  Is it neutral?  Less burdened?   

Whatever the facial expression is, that is what is conveyed to your child(ren) and what your heart holds. One of my favorite Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. quotes is “I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.”  

Even small adjustments in your vocabulary can create positive changes in your experience and your children’s experience and can lead to a healthier co-parenting environment. 

I will use the term former (without attaching a noun to that term, e.g., wife, husband or partner) because I think it is more respectful and more fully captures the tone and energy I want to convey in my work.

As always, I’d love to hear your feedback and thoughts.  What do you call your former? 

With Curiosity ~

Cat Zavis is an Attorney, Mediator and Coach for Divorced and Divorcing Parents.  As a divorced mother of 2, she deeply understands the challenges, trauma and opportunities divorce provides. She has been practicing Nonviolent Communication, Mediation and Collaborative Law for 7 years. She has conducted workshops and trainings in Nonviolent Communication for hundreds of parents, lawyers, teachers, students, spiritual centers and professionals. In 2009, she was awarded a Peace Builder Award for her business. She has taught at universities in Western Washington on diverse topics such as Women and the Law, Constitutional Law, and Communication. Her combination of personal experience and professional expertise give Cat a unique perspective and ability to help clients learn to communicate effectively and powerfully to transform their relationships and interactions with their former partner or spouse so they and their children can thrive.

For some reason I’ve been thinking a lot lately about learning to walk.  This theme keeps coming up in my life so I’ve decided to explore it and write about it.  Here’s the thing, when children are learning to walk we don’t laugh at them or tell them how they’ll fail.  In fact, we KNOW they will succeed.

We stand by and cheer them on.  At first we hold their little hands as they try to walk and, in the age of facebook, we probably post on our page how far our child walked or the fact that she took her first step or that he made it across the room.  We are at least as thrilled as they are.  

They are simply doing exactly what drives and motivates them – to walk!  They want to move and experience freedom and success.  It is amazing how completely unafraid they really are.  And they KNOW they will succeed.  The thought of failure NEVER enters their minds.  They fall down and we smile and say “great job”, “look how far you made it”, “you can do it”, “try again”.

So what does this have to do with parenting with your former spouse or partner you ask?

EVERYTHING. . .

Because you will learn to move on in your life.  You will succeed in whatever you put your mind to.  YOU CAN DO IT.  

This is an opportunity for you to trust yourself just as you did when you were learning to walk (or crawl, or read, or talk).  You will likely fall down and scrape your knee.  It may hurt at times.  You may need someone there to cheer you on and give you a big hug along the way.

But you will not only survive and walk, but pretty soon, you will be running and thriving as well.

If I can support you on this journey, be there to cheer you on, remind you that you CAN do it?  Please feel free to contact me, I’d be honored to be of service.

In service and support ~

Cat Zavis is an Attorney, Mediator and Coach for Divorced and Divorcing Parents.  As a divorced mother of 2, she deeply understands the challenges, trauma and opportunities divorce provides. She has been practicing Nonviolent Communication, Mediation and Collaborative Law for 7 years. She has conducted workshops and trainings in Nonviolent Communication for hundreds of parents, lawyers, teachers, students, spiritual centers and professionals. In 2009, she was awarded a Peace Builder Award for her business. She has taught at universities in Western Washington on diverse topics such as Women and the Law, Constitutional Law, and Communication. Her combination of personal experience and professional expertise give Cat a unique perspective and ability to help clients learn to communicate effectively and powerfully to transform their relationships and interactions with their former partner or spouse so they and their children can thrive.

Photo by:  David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Sometimes life can be hard and sad and when it is, I want the weather to cheer me up!!  I am feeling a bit melancholy and the weather is not doing her part to cheer me up.  It is a gloomy, windy, very rainy day here in Bellingham, WA and I am angry at the weather because I want her to shine her glorious sun and warm up my weary body, soothe my sad heart, and bring a smile to my face.  But instead, she is matching my energy.  Rather than creating inspiration and a sense of playfulness and aliveness, she has chosen to offer me dreariness and cold instead.  

So what I am to do with that?  I can scream at her and get all bent out of shape.  Blame her for my sorrows and for not lifting me up. But that would not get me very far because she is not likely to change.  In fact, even though I wish I had the power to change her, I know I do not.  She’s going to do whatever suits her fancy and she’s doing it not to be mean, spiteful or manipulative.  No, she’s doing this because this is what she needs to do to nourish Mother Earth and all that lives on this planet (including me).  She’s doing exactly what is perfectly right for her at this time, in this place – it just happens to not really work for me right now!

So it seems I have a choice.  I can look at this weather as an opportunity or I can mope and be a victim.  I will choose the former. 

Because the only thing I really have any control or power over is myself – my reactions, my feelings, my thoughts and my heart.  And while I still feel sad, I am looking at this weather as an opportunity to nurture myself and to slow down and take it easy.  

When I leave my office today, I will be with my two teenage boys and I will take my dog for a walk in this windy, rainy weather, and I will smile and laugh and perhaps when I climb into bed tonight, I will cuddle myself and cry because just as the weather can let out water to release what is bottled up inside, so can I.  And when I do, I know that tomorrow will be a different day with different weather and different feelings.

Signing off on this dreary, melancholy day.  . .  Thanks for reading.

 You ask your former partner or spouse to do something that you think is completely reasonable (e.g., answer your calls, respond to your emails or texts, check your availability before leaving the kids with you on his/her time).  S/he refuses.  You feel exasperated.

You know the drill, right?!

So here’s the deal . . . just because what you’re asking for may be completely reasonable (in fact, even 4 out of 5 dentists, doctors, lawyers, therapists, etc. agree it is reasonable) does NOT mean it is REALISTIC.  

Expecting your former partner or spouse to agree to something when it is not realistic, can be maddening.

When you expect someone to agree with a request and you get upset when they don’t, two things are occurring. 

One, you actually are holding your request as a demand (even if it is a simple and completely reasonable request and thus “should” be or easily could be agreed to).

And two, you have an unknown or unspoken expectation. 

The problem with both of these is that when you are told no, you get upset, disappointed, angry, outraged, confused, etc. In fact, you may even feel righteous indignation – how dare he/she say no! 

This type of thinking gets you nowhere and is a complete waste of your time and energy.

To help you discern if you have an unspoken expectation that is likely to get you in “trouble” (i.e., make you upset), I suggest that you ask yourself the following three questions before you make a request of your former spouse or partner.

1. Is what I’m asking reasonable?
2. Do I have an expectation that she or he will agree?
3. Is it realistic to hold that expectation?

If you answer NO to any of the questions, then you may want to change your expectation so that you do not waste your life energy getting upset.

Notice, I do not say don’t ask. Go ahead and ask for what you want.  Just don’t count on or expect to get the answer you want.

When you ask for what you want and speak your truth without any expectations, you are honoring yourself. Honoring oneself is a GREAT way to spend your life energy!                                       

    In Service and Support ~             

Cat Zavis is an Attorney, Mediator and Coach for Divorced and Divorcing Parents.  As a divorced mother of 2, she deeply understands the challenges, trauma and opportunities divorce provides. She has been practicing Nonviolent Communication, Mediation and Collaborative Law for 7 years. She has conducted workshops and trainings in Nonviolent Communication for hundreds of parents, lawyers, teachers, students, spiritual centers and professionals. In 2009, she was awarded a Peace Builder Award for her business. She has taught at universities in Western Washington on diverse topics such as Women and the Law, Constitutional Law, and Communication. Her combination of personal experience and professional expertise give Cat a unique perspective and ability to help clients learn to communicate effectively and powerfully to transform their relationships and interactions with their former partner or spouse so they and their children can thrive.

A few things I’m grateful for . . . some may even surprise you!

(This list is in no particular order!)

My former spouse

I am grateful that we spent years together laughing, exploring, dreaming and building a future.  I am especially grateful that we united to create two truly beautiful boys. I am also grateful for the challenges I experience in relationship with him because every one is an opportunity for my self-development, growth and transformation. 

My kids

For continuing to inspire, awe, amuse, humor and challenge me to be the best parent, and thus person, I can be.  I am deeply honored and grateful to be their mom.  

My pets

For always being home when I get there and for always loving me unconditionally!

My friends

Who likewise challenge, awe, amuse, inspire and humor me.  And who are there for me when I am down and are willing to play and laugh with me when celebration and silliness are in the air.

My family

We’ve come a long way baby!  I’m so grateful we have found our way back home again – I knew we would.  I love you.

All of you

For sharing your heart with me.  For being here, and reading and engaging with me. For working with me and being willing to be vulnerable, open and receptive.  I learn from each and every one of you. You enrich my life.

My sweetheart 

For all the times you skip down the street with me (and sometimes even down the aisles of the grocery store!), dance in the living room with me, hold me when I’m sad, celebrate with me when I’m excited, and communicate honestly with me so that our misunderstandings can become opportunities for deeper intimacy with ourselves and each other.

And last but not least . . . MYSELF!

For being who I am and for embracing all of me – both the parts I (and others) enjoy and the parts that drive me (and others) crazy!  I’m grateful that I am willing to fully embrace all that life offers and use each moment as an opportunity for self transformation (or at least try!).

What are you grateful for?

 In gratitude ~

Cat J. Zavis is an Attorney, Mediator and Coach for Divorced and Divorcing Parents.  She has conducted workshops and trainings in Nonviolent Communication^SM for hundreds of parents, lawyers, teachers, students, spiritual centers and professionals. In 2009, she was awarded a Peace Builder Award for her business. Her passion is helping parents learn how to communicate and work with their former partner or spouse so they and their children not just survive divorce, but thrive.   

As a divorced parent, I deeply know what it feels like to grieve the loss of my marriage – even though I was the one who chose the divorce, even though it has been almost 5 years since I moved out, and even though I have a fabulous new relationship. 

Sometimes grief overtakes me when I least expect it; for example, on my son’s 13^th birthday.  I took my son and his brother out to dinner to celebrate his 13^th birthday.  We were laughing and having a great time.  In walks a family of four – husband, wife, and 2 children.  They sit down at a table and suddenly my old friend grief appears.

I felt an ache in my heart, grip in my belly, and tears welling in my eyes.  Is this familiar to you?   

So what I did was simply acknowledge what I was feeling (silently) and take some deep belly breaths.  I allowed myself to both feel the sadness as well as the joy of the present moment with my kids.  The grief subsided, although periodically I’d see them out of the corner of my eye and know it was not far away.

That night when I was alone in bed, I welcomed the grief and allowed my whole being to feel and be in the grip of grief.  Why?  Because that is how it passes – by giving it space and letting it fill me up, it moves through me until it visits me again.

So please, give yourself the gift of feeling your grief because if you try to suppress it or minimize it, it will just get louder!  It needs to be acknowledged.  Also, if you try to suppress one emotion, you end up suppressing all your emotions.  Whether we like it or not, to full feel joy, we have to fully feel sorrow.

Perhaps the next time you are overcome with grief, you will give yourself the gift of fully feeling and embracing it, so that the next time you feel joy, you can fully embrace your joy and celebrate the richness and fullness of BEING human. 

I would love to hear your thoughts and feelings in response. 

In humbleness and service ~

Cat J. Zavis is an Attorney, Mediator and Coach for Divorced and Divorcing Parents.  She has conducted workshops and trainings in Nonviolent Communication^SM for hundreds of parents, lawyers, teachers, students, spiritual centers and professionals. In 2009, she was awarded a Peace Builder Award for her business. Her passion is helping parents learn how to communicate and work with their former partner or spouse so they and their children not just survive divorce, but thrive.   

How to Transform Judgments, Criticisms and Blame 

We all have judgments of ourselves, our partners, our children, our parents, bosses, teachers, but none are stronger than those we have of our former partners, lovers and spouses.  

Why is it that we waste so much energy and time thinking about, worrying about, criticizing and judging the person we most want to get away from?  It’s ironic, don’t you think?

Judging, criticizing and blaming your former partner or spouse is a waste of time because it will not change him/her.  If you had no luck getting her/him to change when you were in relationship with her/him, you most certainly will not have any luck now.

In addition, judging, criticizing and blaming is actually bad for your own health – so you are both wasting your time and causing yourself harm. 

But simply telling yourself you “shouldn’t” judge someone or worse yet, judging yourself for judging someone doesn’t help at all! 

So, I want to share with you a process for transforming your judgments so you can uncover inner wisdom and insight and transform your judgments into something you actually have the power to do something about AND that will contribute to your well-being!

This insight will empower you to speak your truth, ask for what you want, and do what you can to meet your needs rather than wait for someone else to change.

Are you ready?  Hold on to your hats (and get out a pen and piece of paper!). . . 

1.  Write down a judgment, criticism you have of someone or something you blame them for (yes, it can be a self-judgment).

2.  Write down what that person said or did that leads you to have that judgment, etc.

3.  Ask yourself, when I think that about that person, how do I feel? (To see a short list of feelings, click here)

4.  Then ask yourself, when I feel that feeling what is it that I am needing? (to see a list of needs, click here)

5.  Take a deep breath or two and just sit with that feeling and need.

6.  Repeat steps 2 – 4 again two more times (for a total of 3 times).

You have uncovered the needs underlying your judgment.  For now, just be with the feelings and needs you’ve identified and let yourself fully embrace them.  Often this leads to a place of deeper self awareness and can often give rise to a need to simply mourn and grieve, or can create greater clarity of how you can meet your own needs.  Do not rush this – just be present with whatever you uncover.

Please share your process and comments below. 

 Cat J. Zavis is an Attorney, Mediator and Coach for Divorced and Divorcing Parents.  She has conducted workshops and trainings in Nonviolent Communication^SM for hundreds of parents, lawyers, teachers, students, spiritual centers and professionals. In 2009, she was awarded a Peace Builder Award for her business. Her passion is helping parents learn how to communicate and work with their former partner or spouse so they and their children not just survive divorce, but thrive.   

Dear Children of Parents Who No Longer Live Together:

I am deeply grateful for the lessons you have taught me.  It is with humbleness and awe that I work with you and your parents and that I parent you myself.  The challenges you face and the unrest you overcome is inspiring. We undoubtedly do not acknowledge or appreciate you often enough.  Here are a just a few things I appreciate.

FORGIVENESS

Regardless of how much you may struggle with one (or both) of your parents, you are always willing to try again to rebuild your relationship with your parents and to be heard.  This is so regardless of how many times you’ve tried to be heard before.  You have an uncanny ability to forgive and keep your hearts open when most adults would give up and walk away.  Thank you for modeling forgiveness. We have a lot to learn from you.

SET APPROPRIATE BOUNDARIES

I often see that you simply refuse to let yourself be put in the middle.  You tell your parents to stop bad-mouthing each other or passing messages back and forth using you as the medium to do so. This is a huge gift and shows your commitment to loving both of your parents and to not taking sides regardless of the challenges and faults the parents have with and see in each other.

STRENGTH

You grow up with parents who do not live together and thus in some ways live disjointed lives.  With two homes, your belongings go back and forth as do you. And then your parents sometimes get frustrated with you because you forget something at the other house and need to run over there.  Parents need to think about this for a minute.  How well would parents navigate living in two homes? How often would parents misplace clothes, (home)work, ipods, phones, and other things that matter to them?  Yet you kids do this rather seamlessly.  This is really unbelievable.

My deepest gratitude and heartfelt awe to each and everyone of you.  Thank you for your patience, resilience, forgiveness, compassion and strength.  You are a gift to us all and the world.

I’d love to hear your appreciation . . .

 Cat J. Zavis is an Attorney, Mediator and Coach for Divorced and Divorcing Parents.  She has conducted workshops and trainings in Nonviolent Communication^SM for hundreds of parents, lawyers, teachers, students, spiritual centers and professionals. In 2009, she was awarded a Peace Builder Award for her business. Her passion is helping parents learn how to communicate and work with their former partner or spouse so they and their children not just survive divorce, but thrive.  

clipart photo: Felixco, Inc